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And someone-likely cousins of the unemployed from the closed fro-yo vendor across the hall—had to crush those biscuits to make the crunch.

Besides, you’re demanding logic of an institution whose marketing simultaneously fetishizes virginity and locavorism. Having just hiked Blackhand Gorge, we stopped at the Sunoco station on 146, just outside of Newark, Ohio.

She is sure about the $.60 extra for the “luxe”-ness of the milk-chocolate crunch topping.

“It’s in the ‘Luxe’ area, see, everything over here is ‘Luxe’ and costs extra.” Read: the chocolate part is in a different form from the non-luxe “shaved Belgian milk chocolate” (no extra cost).

It was the kind of place where you spray-painted your house number on a sheet of plywood that leaned against your mailbox.

Driving through the winding hills, my husband asked if I thought it would be easier to believe in God if we lived out here. Inside the Sunoco, I walked past the prerequisite platter of aging bananas and went straight for the jerky.

At one time, these had been in the health food store nestled in with all the make-sushi-at-home goodies. (I guess.) Everything about the item made me laugh.

I accept no maple-flavored substitute, and Kelp Krunch does not offer it. Neither intensely delicious nor powerfully filling, yet one bar is in fact strangely satisfying. So we clicked on the extras, which finally produced some narrative.The under-title says “Original Sesame,” but I see no indication that there is any secondary variety of Kelp Krunch.In fact, when I turn the package over to where the plastic is clear, the product reveals itself to be almost entirely formed from sesame seeds, flecked with the titular kelp. “Let’s find out.” I open the package and break off a piece.Every morsel seems to be a mixture of pre-chewed cardboard box, wet wool after-a-workday sock, and the inside of a pen cap.Instead a person piles Kleenexes, looks into the mirror at the red nose and chapped upper lip, sends photos of aforementioned nostrils to loved ones.

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